If you’ve gone through it once, it is enough to shape the rest of your life. It is enough to present fear during pregnancy after your first, second, third or 19th child.
On February 7th, 2014 at 9:00 AM, Tyler and I learned we had lost our first child. We went to our 12 week appointment to hear the heartbeat and there wasn’t one. I couldn’t bring myself to accept it because in that moment I was staring at our baby on the ultrasound screen. I saw two little legs. Two little arms. And in that moment my heart and brain just couldn’t make the connection. In fact, I can now say with certainty that they didn’t make the connection for almost 3 years.
In hindsight, I probably should have talked to someone, a therapist maybe. All of this to say, my miscarriage was the most devastating thing to happen to me in every area of my life. Mentally, emotionally, physically…it broke me. What scares me even more is that had God not decided it was time for me to move forward, I don’t think Wyatt would be here. And THAT is something I cannot wrap my brain around.
I wasn’t trying to get pregnant when Wyatt came to be. At the time, trying to get pregnant meant opening myself up to the possibility of another loss and I wasn’t going to willingly allow myself to go to that dark place again. So I waited and kept telling myself, and my husband that I wasn’t ready. Is that selfish? 100%, for so many reasons. But is it understandable? 100%.
I think God knew that even so many years later, I was going to need a little push. He knew he needed to take it into his own hands and SHOW ME that carrying a pregnancy to term was possible. That even after all that pain, my body was still capable of carrying my baby boy and bringing him into this world, healthy as ever. And that is exactly what happened. When Wyatt was born I cried more happy tears than I thought my eyes could produce.
Fast forward today. My little guy just turned two-years-old and we are actively talking about when it’s time to give him little brother or sister. I am at the point where when someone asks me what I want more than anything right now my first thought is “to be pregnant again”. Immediately following this thought my mind drifts to the “what if’s”.
What if something happens? What if I lose another baby?
I cannot fathom that. And I hear all the time, “but you DID have a healthy pregnancy, your body is capable!”
This gives me hope but it doesn’t suddenly provide me with a feeling of complete confidence that nothing will go wrong. See I have lived through the hell that comes along with losing a baby and losing faith that your body can do what it’s supposed to do. It’s unfortunate but my miscarriage changed the way I look at pregnancy. Was I thrilled and excited when I learned Wyatt would be Wyatt? Of course! But there it was, that sense of fear.
My miscarriage robbed me of the joy that comes with pregnancy and instead replaced it with fear, nervousness and anxiety. I know with our next baby it will, unfortunately, do the same thing. The drive to every single doctors appointment will consist of me reminding myself to take deep breaths. I will annoy the ever-loving shit out of the ultrasound tech by constantly asking, “does everything sound okay?” and “does everything look okay?”. Until that baby is in my arms breathing and crying I will have to keep looking to my son as proof that I can hold a pregnancy.
You guys, I am not saying that when I get pregnant again I won’t be over the moon excited. All I am saying is that a miscarriage or any type of loss changes you and shapes the way you look at family planning.
Yes, following my miscarriage I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy and delivered a beautiful and perfect baby boy. It’s so sucky to say but it doesn’t make me any less anxious about being pregnant again, that feeling of “what if” will always be with me. But it does give me hope. I have seen what my body can do and what it can accomplish.
The euphoria that comes along with carrying my baby, giving birth and caring for him after he is born is a feeling that I find myself craving more and more lately. And that feeling is starting to overpower any feelings of doubt that I may have.
My miscarriage changed my life but my son, my beautiful, healthy, sweet baby boy changed it again. The fear of having another miscarriage is strong, but my desire to want to grow my family is stronger. My love for Wyatt is stronger. My love for my future babies is stronger. And I will go through hell and back for them if I need to.